Finding a calling

Over the past year, I’ve been perplexed by what it means to find a calling. What does it mean to listen for God’s voice for my life’s plan? What’s it mean to put all these exciting, big picture thoughts that I have into action for the sake of God’s Kingdom? I thought that by the time I was in my mid-20s (now), the picture would become clearer, like a projection slide coming more and more into focus. I think it has, but maybe not in the way that I thought it would.

I’ve experienced a lot of anxiety as I tried to pinpoint what exactly my life’s calling would be. There were a lot of need-to-knows–how long would I be on staff for? What goals am I working toward? If I’m going to switch into academia, I have to make some major decisions about life now! Etc etc etc.

I think my decision to stay on staff was like my decision to initially come on staff for the first four years. As a college senior, it ended up being quite simple. The cost of coming on staff is quite a different story, but the call to do it was just a soft whisper. Nothing fell out of the sky; it was a similar process to an engineer applying to an engineering firm upon graduation. I don’t know how it became so clear, but I think it was a mixture of knowing that this was the right next step with Jesus and understanding that this was something that would wake up my heart. And, though there is a full and wonderful vision to pursue with InterVarsity, staff has been, as my friend AL calls it, “remedial Christianity” for me personally as I continue to flub around re-understanding the “basics” of a relationship with Jesus, learning how to persevere in the day-to-day.

I was looking for a “big moment” in my staff career — some decision or event that would anchor my calling so I could know what to do next, possibly for the next 30 or so years of my life (at least for the next 5!) It’s something that I have a hard time being at peace with. I love living life in a “hardcore” way — and my calling into mission needed to be hardcore. At times when I had the opportunity to take a step back, I believe I saw myself falling in love more with the call for “The Mission” than the call to love God. I’ve been realizing that there are less need-to-knows and more of what I need is faith.

This summer, I’ve had the opportunity to sit “at the feet” of two people whom I would consider to be well-seasoned followers of Christ, having done amazing works for God’s Kingdom. Above all, I see the shining reflection of Christ in them. I feel very privileged to have had the opportunity to peer into their lives as they offered their stories.

The first was a respected Asian American professor at Trinity (seminary), who briefly shared during a time of intense round-table discussion about why Asian Americans and our struggle with “Calling”. (Case in point. Let’s just say as one of the few 20-somethings there, I was struck to the heart.) For him, he was in slight awe of his friends who just knew the clear path for their calling. He had always felt that bouncing around from work to work, he felt a little disoriented looking for the thread that would tie it all together. He was on staff with InterVarsity for the first third of his work life, a pastor for the second third, and a professor for the last third (up until the present). Though I would say that his “calling” was quite obvious to me (as a young onlooker), he didn’t see the thread until he was well into his career and his life. Though I had heard this many times, it suddenly became clear that yeah, you really don’t know what your “calling” is until you’re well into or past your 40s. That helped me to rest easy.

The second person is someone whom I would say has great faithfulness, tenacity, and clarity. He has lots of goals and is driven by mission. He’s the regional director for one half of the Midwestern states with IV, not to mention a former chapter planter with 10 years behind the Iron Curtain in Austria and Eastern European countries. I think he is so cool (so cool that my college IV fellowship made a facebook group: “FSB for President”). I was surprised by what he shared with us so candidly at our latest regional staff conference. When asking himself about his life’s calling, he answers “I don’t know. All I see are two pictures in front of me, the big picture being something along the lines of… establishing and advancing multi-ethnic witnessing communities in college and universities… (IV purpose statement) [laughter]. But the other picture that I see is simply the “next thing” for the day or week, which I realize or hear from God when I’m doing two things: showering or running.” Again, I was surprised by this because clearly, he knew what he was doing. His decision to go to Eastern Europe was not some firework in the sky, but it was simply the next step in following Jesus for him. This isn’t to say that it was a flippant decision or one that isn’t costly, but at the time, it was what God had for him with all of his passions and greatest desires.

I guess I can say that after a year’s worth of discernment, I have a slightly more clear picture of what my calling is (besides being a beloved child of God) which involves redemption of university, Asian Americans, and cities for God, it’s still not very clear what the tangible next steps for the next 10 years of my life should be. Temperamentally, this is easier for me to let go of despite my love for planning for the future… actually, more like daydreaming about the possibilities. I don’t know how to respond when people ask “how long are you doing this for?” (until God calls me away from it, I guess) or “what else would you do besides staff?” (a lot of things, I suppose–I’m interested in a lot). The big thing for now is letting go of that anxiety for the need to be “anchored” by some mission and to live the day-to-day by faith that God will lead. Hopefully I’ll be able to look back on my years of life’s work and see that thread just happen. I have more thoughts on calling and the paralyzing anxiety that comes along with that, but I think that may be for another day.

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