We rest on Thee, our shield and our defender!

We go not forth, alone against the foe!

Strong in Thy strength, safe in Thy keeping tender,

We rest in Thee and in Thy name we go.

I’m back with another post about rest! Actually, this post is about the lack of regular rest. The past few weeks have been difficult for finding the space for rest purely because of scheduling. Part of it is my own fault for poor planning. Instead of my regular Tuesdays, I’ve had to switch it around because of a trip to Michigan for staff training (Thursday) as well as preparation for our fall conference. 

God did an amazing work this past weekend at fall conference. Our fellowship brought an unprecedented 45 students, and that in itself was mind-blowing. Knowing how God tends to sharpen/change/transform people, I had a hard time wrapping my mind around Him working on a large scale to prepare us for the work ahead on campus. What! He also met me in my prep for the track that I was prepping. He re-awakened a heart and love for the nations by showing me God’s plan for redemption from Genesis to Revelation… and how the cross of Christ is the center of history, faith, and life. I came out of fall conference with a renewed vision for the campus and for the world. Exciting.

However, when I returned… I think I was much more tired that I realized. I numbly fell asleep on the ride home (thanks to my roommate for driving) and tried sleeping in on Monday, getting up in order to care for myself and my living space. On Tuesday, I took another half day with a short retreat of silence. By Wednesday, I had a very heavy feeling that started off as listlessness and ended in the evening as resentment. I was exhausted, unable to bring myself to work effectively. On Thursday, I set aside work once more to sleep in and take naps, thanks to the suggestion of my roommate. I think I slept more than 12 hours during the day! By 5pm, I was truly refreshed and ready to start work again. I’m grateful for all who prayed for me during that time… the Lord was really helping me resist/rebuke that post-conference depression.

Here are some of the things that were refreshing:

• Sleep, particularly on Thursday when I finally allowed myself to just rest.
• After resting, I watched some videos of personal transformation or campus renewal from IV’s twentyonehundred productions. They were actually for work, but I found myself being filled again with excitement to jump back into mission.
• When I found myself unable to work, I ended up taking my bike (with my new tire) to a city park that was a strange combination of busy main road & solitude. In the middle of the park on the side closer to the suburbs, I found myself in a strange prairie-land, surrounded by trees with wilting branches similar to the sneeds in the Lorax. I sat down on a bench, with my bike as my only accompaniment and with Jesus as my only friend in that moment. I spent a lot of time honestly journaling, trying to give the heaviness over to Jesus. I think I found my favorite place of solitude. :)

Each week, I have committed to take one day off to rest. Sometimes I really look forward to this day because I just need the physical/emotional/mental rest, and sometimes I just jump into it because I just have to let go of my anxiety around getting things done. I rest because the Lord commands it of me, but I also do it because the Lord says it’s for my good. I learned this past week from a colleague that after working out for 6 days, the resting period is one of the most important times for your muscles to grow. Likewise, I hope that I will grow, because it’s good for me to trust God with my work and it’s also good for me to enjoy God. It’s also good for me to not treat myself like a robot, because I am a humanoid.

I’m not great at resting, and I’m still finding out what is restorative to me. (Lying on the couch all day is only great on the days when I am too fatigued to do anything, not every week.) One of my spiritual mentors prods me each month to “have fun with Jesus” to combat the incorrect theology and paradigm that I have of God as a demanding worky Kingdom taskmaster. Fun? What!! Shift that theology.

I think I would like to reflect “aloud” on this blog a little more about what it means to rest. Hopefully something insightful will come out of this series. I’d also like to inductively look for patterns of what I would consider to be restful for myself. (Note: can cleaning be considered a restful activity?)

What do you do to rest? What activities do you find to be restorative?

Here’s what I did today:

• Slept in as much as I could until 930
• Rearranged some things in my room and filed old CT articles
• The rest of the morning is a bit of a blur. I decided to go with the “lie on the couch” route for a few hours watching a few episodes of Community and Mad Men, something I had put on hold with the craziness of the fall season.
• Prodded after a convo with JH and hunger pangs to actually get up and enjoy the sunny day. Installed a bike rack on my trunk (yay) and drove to my newest go-to cafe for coffee and a crepe.
• Read a chunk of “The Namesake” by Jhumpa Lahiri and decided to stop after reaching a good turning point in the book.
• Drove to Lakeview Cemetery to ride my bike. Needed some pause for reflection, and some time to read from the Scriptures and meditate. It was a beautiful day!! Quickly left though, as to avoid being locked in at 5:30pm!

Lakeview Cemetery by Julia Kuo

• Ran errands to knock things off my “to buy” list and to have some healthy groceries to eat for the next 2 weeks. Cleaned the apartment and washed the dishes.
• The rest is a blur thanks to internet web surfing for recipes, paying the bills, doing my budget for Oct, sociology blogs, buzz & tumblr and another episode of Mad Men (sigh)

Restorative activities: getting out and eating healthy food, riding my bike, reflecting, quiet time

Surprisingly restorative: cleaning and paying the bills — getting things in line (is this legit?)

Ok: catching up on tv

Not restorative: watching 3 episodes of Mad Men was too much, drinking dark roast coffee (bzzz)

I’ve experienced a lot of anxiety as I tried to pinpoint what exactly my life’s calling would be. There were a lot of need-to-knows–how long would I be on staff for? What goals am I working toward? If I’m going to switch into academia, I have to make some major decisions about life now! Etc etc etc.

I think my decision to stay on staff was like my decision to initially come on staff for the first four years. As a college senior, it ended up being quite simple. The cost of coming on staff is quite a different story, but the call to do it was just a soft whisper. Nothing fell out of the sky; it was a similar process to an engineer applying to an engineering firm upon graduation. I don’t know how it became so clear, but I think it was a mixture of knowing that this was the right next step with Jesus and understanding that this was something that would wake up my heart. And, though there is a full and wonderful vision to pursue with InterVarsity, staff has been, as my friend AL calls it, “remedial Christianity” for me personally as I continue to flub around re-understanding the “basics” of a relationship with Jesus, learning how to persevere in the day-to-day.

I was looking for a “big moment” in my staff career — some decision or event that would anchor my calling so I could know what to do next, possibly for the next 30 or so years of my life (at least for the next 5!) It’s something that I have a hard time being at peace with. I love living life in a “hardcore” way — and my calling into mission needed to be hardcore. At times when I had the opportunity to take a step back, I believe I saw myself falling in love more with the call for “The Mission” than the call to love God. I’ve been realizing that there are less need-to-knows and more of what I need is faith.

This summer, I’ve had the opportunity to sit “at the feet” of two people whom I would consider to be well-seasoned followers of Christ, having done amazing works for God’s Kingdom. Above all, I see the shining reflection of Christ in them. I feel very privileged to have had the opportunity to peer into their lives as they offered their stories.

The first was a respected Asian American professor at Trinity (seminary), who briefly shared during a time of intense round-table discussion about why Asian Americans and our struggle with “Calling”. (Case in point. Let’s just say as one of the few 20-somethings there, I was struck to the heart.) For him, he was in slight awe of his friends who just knew the clear path for their calling. He had always felt that bouncing around from work to work, he felt a little disoriented looking for the thread that would tie it all together. He was on staff with InterVarsity for the first third of his work life, a pastor for the second third, and a professor for the last third (up until the present). Though I would say that his “calling” was quite obvious to me (as a young onlooker), he didn’t see the thread until he was well into his career and his life. Though I had heard this many times, it suddenly became clear that yeah, you really don’t know what your “calling” is until you’re well into or past your 40s. That helped me to rest easy.

The second person is someone whom I would say has great faithfulness, tenacity, and clarity. He has lots of goals and is driven by mission. He’s the regional director for one half of the Midwestern states with IV, not to mention a former chapter planter with 10 years behind the Iron Curtain in Austria and Eastern European countries. I think he is so cool (so cool that my college IV fellowship made a facebook group: “FSB for President”). I was surprised by what he shared with us so candidly at our latest regional staff conference. When asking himself about his life’s calling, he answers “I don’t know. All I see are two pictures in front of me, the big picture being something along the lines of… establishing and advancing multi-ethnic witnessing communities in college and universities… (IV purpose statement) [laughter]. But the other picture that I see is simply the “next thing” for the day or week, which I realize or hear from God when I’m doing two things: showering or running.” Again, I was surprised by this because clearly, he knew what he was doing. His decision to go to Eastern Europe was not some firework in the sky, but it was simply the next step in following Jesus for him. This isn’t to say that it was a flippant decision or one that isn’t costly, but at the time, it was what God had for him with all of his passions and greatest desires.

I guess I can say that after a year’s worth of discernment, I have a slightly more clear picture of what my calling is (besides being a beloved child of God) which involves redemption of university, Asian Americans, and cities for God, it’s still not very clear what the tangible next steps for the next 10 years of my life should be. Temperamentally, this is easier for me to let go of despite my love for planning for the future… actually, more like daydreaming about the possibilities. I don’t know how to respond when people ask “how long are you doing this for?” (until God calls me away from it, I guess) or “what else would you do besides staff?” (a lot of things, I suppose–I’m interested in a lot). The big thing for now is letting go of that anxiety for the need to be “anchored” by some mission and to live the day-to-day by faith that God will lead. Hopefully I’ll be able to look back on my years of life’s work and see that thread just happen. I have more thoughts on calling and the paralyzing anxiety that comes along with that, but I think that may be for another day.

In 2004, the summer after my freshman year, I had the opportunity to do several things. The first was working as a waitress at a Japanese restaurant in my hometown while also taking Physics I at a local community college. (Will post about that soon.) However, for three weeks in the middle of July, I had the opportunity to nab a job as an RA for a Johns Hopkins Program called “Center for Talented Youth”, otherwise and affectionately known as “Nerd Camp.”

What is this Nerd Camp? At Nerd Camp, you might find 12 year old girls like the ones in my dorm hall who would say things like, “I like to use the word ‘instantaneously’ instead of ‘instantly’” (as did my one young Asian American scholar), or things like, “In the movie remake of Harry Potter 3, there are 51 things from the books missing” (as did one of the 3 girls of a class of 24 in a Robotics class). As I wrote in my now defunct xanga, “it’s a place where the uncool become cool and the cool are ok with the uncool becoming cool.” It’s also a place where accepted students take accelerated classes for 6 hours a day, participate in “mandatory fun”, and learn about important cult films like “The Princess Bride.”

The girls in my hall were bright, but also had an edge: “Boys don’t seem to talk to each other and watch movies or play sports. It’s because they’ve been programmed by American society to do so. I did a project on it–gender differences and skill level.” With this particular student, we talked into the wee hours of the night before it was time for lights out (which was at 9:30pm, every evening). I even recommended to her Amy Chua’s book, World on Fire: How Exporting Free Market Democracy Breeds Ethnic Hatred and Global Instability.

Developmentally, it was great for them too (for the most part.) Despite the early SAT prep and the sometimes neurotic parents, CTY was a place where students could be free to be themselves with others at their level of intellectual curiosity. And they could do so with other pre-teens wondering if they could fit in. The first night of camp, the girls already began talking about a wide range of topics: make-up, religion, cosmo girl, books and movies, wallflowers… and every now and then I would hear one exclaim: “You’re just like me!”

Mark Zuckerberg and I talked about very intellectual things. And yes, I am having a very nice life!

Nerd Camp turned out to be important for me too. I came into the CTY program as a 7th grader, highly cynical of all the Asian families who wanted to push their kids into climbing the ladder in order to secure a spot at Ivy League universities. I consciously verbalized this out loud to my parents and strategically made sure other Asian parents were in earshot as I checked in on the first day.

However, it was at CTY where I first began to reconcile my Asian American identity with coolness (oh, the angst and the self-hate) and where it was finally okay to be “smart.” My class (Prose – Writing C) and peripheral group of friends were not smelly nerds, but instead were checker ska loving, envelope-pushing brainy ones who were just teens, and sometimes got into trouble for doing typical teen things. (Breaking curfew… hazing??) People like Mark Zuckerberg might be considered huge nerds in the eye of the general public, but at CTY they were well-adjusted, funny, and cool people. And then they became people like Mark Zuckerberg, ruling the world with the power of the internet. Many of these girls, who are now women in college, may go on to do the same.

This was my hall of 5-6th grade girls at CTY. Many of them were legitimately cool and I think they probably had a lot of friends in their schools. In this picture, they were doing some sort of team-spirit pigtail day. The majority of the girls were in the “Model UN and Advanced Nations” class. The others were in “Intro to Robotics.”

One of the best parts of being an RA was taking advantage of the power to rule the halls with an iron fist. Sort of. Here I am, collecting taxes (e.g. all their leftover snacks) from my students during the last week of camp. As you can see, I quickly lost control….

My fellow RAs were a brilliant, hilarious, and diverse group of people who attended schools from the Big Ten to the Ivy League to elite liberal arts colleges (i.e. Amherst). One of my most favorite stories is when we created “The Worst Activity Ever” for what was known as “mandatory fun” Afternoon Activity time.

If you want to know more about what “The Worst Activity Ever” is, you’ll just have to ask me in person. If you are hungry for more, also ask about the very popular afternoon activity named “Detention.”

Finally, one of the greatest CTY traditions are the weekly themed dances. The themes ranged from prom to pirates (and I can’t seem to remember some of the more creative ones.) The RAs here choreographed a dance to Styx’s “Mr Roboto.”

Haha:

One of the greatest CTY traditions is how they play Don McLean’s “American Pie” at the end of every dance. Everyone would circle up, shoulder to shoulder, and sing every lyric out loud. The last dance usually ended with a lot of dramatic teen-crying. However, this last song was something that characterized our youth culture. As one journalist from the New Yorker wrote, “At first, they draped their arms over one another’s shoulders and sang along, but at the final word of the opening chorus (“This’ll be the day that I die”) they suddenly broke rank. Jumping up and down, they shouted in unison, “Die! Die! Die! Die! Live! Live! Live! Live! [Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! <--I don't remember this] More! More! More! More!” I could see Jesse Mirotznik in the middle of the throng, grinning hugely and pogoing around. He had told me that this would happen, and that no one knew exactly how the tradition had started, but it seemed to fit the campers somehow. Mirotznik jumped and flailed and punched his fist in the air: “More! More! More! More!” And then it was time for bed.”

One final thought: I have a lot of fun memories from staffing CTY. However, it was a really challenging time for me as someone who was fresh out of her first year of college. I had to learn how to interact with majority white, well-educated elites from East Coast universities, and assimilating was hard. I had some very lonely days:

“i feel socially awkward here.  i love it; i love the culture of cty [as an RA], but i just don’t really fit. it’s the same feeling i had in all aspects of my life–loving where i am, wanting to call it home, but at the same time a residual bitterness or disdain for who i am prevents me from enjoying it 100%. it happened in high school. i didnt feel comfortable until the last 1/8 of it. now, its the last week, and i feel that it will come to the last 1/8 of cty before i really feel in my own skin. its a curse that will come with me my whole life for being an observer–which i don’t mind being–and an introvert. i wish people found me funny or that i had something that stood out about my personality immediately. i’m not loud, i’m but not quiet either. i’m not really passionate about anything, if the problem boils down to something. i am so lukewarm.”

I’m surprised now by what I wrote in my private xanga entries at the time, but I know that CTY formed how I thought about the world and who I wanted to be–or perhaps thought I should be. I don’t think I was dispassionate or uneducated as a freshman. I was quite enthusiastic about my collegiate pursuits, but my experience there determined my journey as a sophomore at Michigan as I ventured into having more of a well-rounded liberal arts education. (It was then when I began finding it hard to have an everyday, everyman conversation about how the intricacies of biochemical processes were related to the global issues.) There was something about being around such sharp people–kids or college CTY staff–that inspired me to push for something more. I’m still not sure I can verbalize what it was, but it shaped me significantly.

College summers, Pt. 1

MIND, waking up to noonday light

overweight, waddling through

college kids blind to

their areas of blight

MAKE-UP, caked on, hiding her sight

DRUGS, burning veins; losing the fight

bags below her eyes

pockets, full; breakfast, medium fries

how many men has she seen

through the night

FACE lost, chest tight

am I too far gone to be contrite

BODY violated, no longer consecrated

what can I ask for

God, damn it tonight

–

a plea to men and women

and a lament to God for justice

written after Chicago Urban Program 2011

2009 was a hard but good year. This is the way that I described ’09 to my friends and supporters in a newsletter about staff life:

If I could describe my life in 2009 in two words, they would be “healing” and “forgiveness.” Marc, my ever-wise supervisor calls staff life a“process in which the Lord searches your soul.” That’s exactly what He did, by bringing me on a journey with Jesus in which I had to examinemyself — my areas of weakness and failure — in light of His grace and love.

This year [2010] seems to be going in a different trajectory. There is a sense of “newness” in my life and ministry– new developments in my personal life (relationships, community, discernment over calling), new changes in Koinonia (structure, leadership, new classes of freshmen), new additions to the staff team (a new team leader/supervisor, new male staff in our sister chapter), and new provision (a generous gift that wiped outall of my student loans in one shot. Praise God, my provider.)

2010 has certainly been exciting, and I have really enjoyed it. Here’s how 2010 has been a year of taking off. Highlights, fun things, teachable moments…

1) James. This is one of the most significant changes in my life this year… a new relationship! After 4 good, interesting,

healing (and sometimes hard) years of singleness, I am so happy to have him in my life. After heading out to the Bay Area for an Asian American Staff Conference in March, I reconnected with James and a few other umich alum. A few months later, we started dating. Even though we had known each other throughout college, it was really fun to “re-learn” things about each other and how, over the course of 7 years, we’ve changed (and to put it positively, how we’ve been transformed). There are so many things that I admire about him & can learn from him: his genuine heart, desire to serve in God’s Kingdom, and level of intensity (we <3 documentaries). Plus, there’s no one I’d rather play settlers and watch old episodes of the Simpsons with but him.

2) Discernment about calling and vocation. This has been one of the most helpful things ever! The whole discernment process helped me to realize what I’m really made of and to struggle through what it is I really desire. I learned a few things along the way: 1) Discernment isn’t really a one-time dealie, but it will continue to happen throughout my

Staff that.

life. My supervisor and mentors themselves continue to discern every few years if this is where God wants them to be. I think this is so freeing and refreshing and just a little counter-cultural. 2) I learned more about who I am. One interesting thing that InterVarsity (as an organization) helped me with was taking a few indicators (MBTI II, SIMA) to help me verbalize some of my giftings. Not only was it fun and more specific (with less broad categories), but I think it helped to confirm what my decision is/was about staff. Did you know that I’m a “gregarious, planful INTP”? Did you also know that I like to unearth potential in people/ideas/structures/products? It was helpful for me to realize these things. 3) Going through this discernment process helped me to seek God and to receive a renewed vision for staff. Instead of feeling listless & not knowing where I’ll be in the next year, being decisive about these next few years has given me some new energy.

3) Brian’s graduation from Columbia. In May, I flew to New York to watch my broseph graduate from Columbia University. Their traditions are hilarious! At the ceremony, the deans beg the president to award their candidates with awards using snappy wit and shameless gimmicks. While visiting, I met Brian’s friends, who typify people who are leaders and the best. There is a lively culture of leadership and striving for greater things. After all, President Bollinger was the former president at the University of Michigan…. I enjoyed some of the values of the university, like their love for students and learning, principles and ideals, and human flourishing. I also enjoyed the mounds of free food that they provided for us. Muahaha.

4) Travel. In NYC, I went running with Sheau-Yan in the East End, ate Momofuku with umich alum like gsarah. I visited the DC area multiple times to see Hannah and Theresa, traveled to Chicago to hunt for a condo for my brother. I ran a 5k with some of my favorite OSU friends and alum in Columbus, and I celebrated 2 weddings in Ann Arbor. I spent a month in the upper peninsula of Michigan to train leaders through IV Leadership Institute, and I went to the Bay Area multiple times to see James and to participate in an IV Asian American Staff Conf. All in all, I think I was in 15 different cities last year!

5) Taiwan.  As a graduation gift to my brother, my parents sent the sibs to Taiwan for two weeks to see family, namely my Sophy ahyi & mother’s side of the family.  I hadn’t been to Taiwan in 7 years so it was an interesting experience to re-enter the culture. We spent most of our time in Taipei, but we also traveled to Hong Kong and Singapore for short 48 hour trips. I ate so much food there that I thought I would never go hungry again. I’m being serious when I say that I actually got sick from eating too much food. But…so delicious… beef noodle soup…

6) Great year on staff. Last year was great! I love working with leaders. I worked with mostly seniors for the first half of the year, and then mostly sophomores for the second. One of my favorite staff moments last year was when our chapter went through a discernment period to make a decisive move towards being an Asian American focused group. One of the greatest feelings was being able to hand over a folder full of resources to some of my leaders (potential staff) and tell them to just go ahead, train others, and lead us toward a decision. Other highlights were having a significant number of students come to faith, seeing people grow, and attending my first Case dance. (Hehe.) IVLI was a significant turning point in my staffing career too. I was given the opportunity to speak fairly frequently and to revamp the racial reconciliation program entirely. What would my staff experience be without my family group: The OCHO. We met every day and really got into each others lives through sharing and prayer. I’m also grateful for the many opportunities to grow in my leadership as well as in partnership with churches: speaking at my home church’s missions conference and teaching at Knox in Ann Arbor.

7) Great IV Staff Conferences. These are one of InterVarsity’s great resources to staff. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed every one and have made significant commitments because of them. Plus, I just love being with other staff! They are so fun. Notable conferences: Asian American Staff Conference in San Mateo, CA, Regional Staff Conference on Money/Mammon, Divisional Retreat for rest and vision casting.

8) Erasure of school loans/debt. I alluded to this above and wrote about this in another post, but through an unexpected gift, I was given the opportunity to wipe out the rest of my undergrad loans. This was huge since it really freed me up to be more flexible about the future. It feels great to be debt-free, save for the credit card bills that I pay off monthly. This was also huge because I had been experiencing some anxiety, shaking my little fist at the Lord and complaining about my portion (still underfunded and haven’t yet reached my full-time budget.) I was getting squirmy in my cognitive dissonance as I trusted Him but didn’t really see results or general support (financial, emotional, community). This was definitely a huge gift to me from Him, not just in financial freedom, but to see that He is going to cover my back no matter what.

9) Community in CLE/Ohio. I love and treasure these people around me here in CLE/Ohio, and I’m so happy to be a part of a post-college community that shares so much in fun, life, deep thoughts, and work. Highlights: Annual Thanksgiving potluck (aka cramming 45+ people into an 1100 sq ft apartment & inviting friends from all over the Midwest), Stephanie’s 90s birthday party, working alongside Julia in The Nimbus Factory studio at the “big house” as well as day-long work trips to Phoenix, cooking dinner and talking regularly with neighbors like Theresa, movie club and Chocolat at the Lovenest, jumping off of balconies at Luke and Paul’s former abode, kayaking in the Cuyahoga River, taking photos at Big Fun, running a 5k in Columbus, colliding worlds in SF at Renegade Craft Fair, watching Thursday Night NBC at the Mothership, eating with fellow Wolverines at old haunts, taking roadtrips and eating garbage plates with the Ficks, watching football games at the alumni club in enemy territory, consuming many, many pierogies, and so much more. This city is such a special place.

So yeah, 2010 was a really good, memorable year! I loved it and I’m excited for the year to come. (Including a 90s cover band on the horizon? We shall see.) Huzzah.

2011: Things (Might) Change

I don’t know what 2011 will be like, but I can see some potential changes ahead. I’ll end this post with a change that I’ve already made: After 4.5 years of making its bling in my right nostril, my nose piercing is no more.

Notes, Observations on Parenting in Majority culture

From what I understand of majority white culture, parenting is seen as an opportunity to let their children explore, become their own person, express their own thoughts, and to learn by taking risks (even if they make mistakes or fail.) As I’ve watched some of my friends parent their kids, I’m awed by the amount of freedom and ownership they give their kids to run around and explore. They give their kids a sense of confidence and empowerment by telling them that they’re great people. Finally, I’m really interested in how most youth from majority white culture have an opinion about most everything, and some of the most intelligent, well-read people I know can form thoughts so quickly, and express them verbally and eloquently. I was envious of this as an introverted high school student. I had a lot of opinions and thoughts but wasn’t necessarily trained in how to express them as a young child.

I also enjoy how parents from majority culture can have a good time with their kids, laughing with (or at) them, cultivating a strong sense of humor or playfulness. (My parents played with me. They also taught me algebra when I was 8.) I really love watching Dave & Jess have dance parties with their son Reuben! He also says the most hilarious things.  There are so many values that I enjoy, and that I hope to integrate into my own parenting.

One of my fav families to hang with!

One example – at my church in Ann Arbor (Knox), they had a Children’s Sunday, which I think is fairly common in most churches. In my home church, Children’s Sunday usually meant that the children (age 5-10) would get up in front of the congregation to sing in the church choir. At Knox, Children’s Sunday actually meant that the 4-5 year old kids were the ushers & greeters, the youth were involved with the actual service, and …having the 5-10 year olds sang in a choir together. When I was heartily greeted by Daniel, the 4 year old from my Knox “host family”, I was really surprised! I had never encountered families that gave their children such responsibility before. I really enjoyed this because it meant that kids could have ownership and serve with their gifts at such a young age.

When I was 8, I felt a small indignant feeling when the adults would pass the communion right over the kids because they didn’t feel that we could either 1) decide whether or not it would be good to take it, or 2) pass it without dropping it! (Hm. I think I felt that feeling a lot when I was little. Hmm..) Though I think children have varying degrees of understanding when it comes to “adult” decisions, what I learned from that situation was that I was powerless to even begin to understand. Is that dramatic?

Pros and cons: I really enjoy how there is a sense of adventure, empowerment, and “knowing yourself” in parenting through a majority culture lens. If I get married and have children, I hope that my kids can be confident and sure of themselves and what God has called them to (if they choose to follow Jesus!) On the flip side, I hope to see them be confident without being entitled. There will be enough people telling them that they can do it! That they’re great! But to have cultural humility will serve them, others and the world. To have understanding and listening first before making demands of others (or God) is something valuable that I hope to see in them.

I loved watching my staff workers parent their kids!

Conclusion! Asian American parenting

The unique thing about being bicultural is that you have a decision to make. Being bicultural isn’t as black or white as “how American or how Asian you are”, nor is it a zero sum game (if you’re “American”, you lose part of your “Asianness”). Rather, there are two axes of culture (identity & assimilation) to play with. If I ever become a parent, I think I’ll have to make some of these decisions. I believe that both sets of values, Western and Eastern, are neither good nor bad – they are simply different. As a Christian, the important thing for me to consider in the future is how these values teach future generations about how to humbly approach life and how to know God.

I hope that I’ll be able to integrate both values in the future, whether it’s with parenting or teaching or playing with kids.

Thoughts? What values did your parents teach you? What do you integrate (or hope to integrate) as you think about future generations?

In my own journey, it took me more than 20 years to figure out this cultural difference. In majority culture in America (generally speaking), most people value speaking truth and opinion over preserving face/relationship. (Other values come in line with this – collective v. individual, holistic v. dichotomistic, etc.) And from what I understand about African American culture, people prefer to have the truth spoken because their historical and cultural experience is often wrought with people straight up lying to them. It would be interpreted as loving if you were to say what you really think, or to say what’s really up. Seriously, it took me so long to figure this out!

I was inspired to write this blog post to delve into some of these cultural differences. This post isn’t meant to be a critique of my family or of my own culture, but it’ll be more of the cultural pros and cons that have shaped me, my friends, and my generation. Your thoughts are appreciated!

Me and my brother. Children!

“Your kids are so guai!” (rough Chinglish translation)

As a child growing up in my home, my experience is in line with most other cultural expectations of East Asian families. My family shared opinions, but mostly within the safety of our home or trusted community. Our community of families valued and highly respected parents who had well-disciplined, intelligent children who were polite, self-contained, obedient, and conscientious. (i.e. Kids who are “guai” in Mandarin Chinese.) Whenever we entered someone else’s household, we would tell our hosts “a-yi hao, su su hao” (showing forms of respect to our “auntie” and “uncle”.) If we were with adults at a potluck or dinner party, we would listen to their thoughts always first, since they were the authority. (When we were with our peers, it was a whole different story…) I was never really good with greetings and being conscientious, but I think these values are still ingrained in me. We were indirectly taught to value a high sense of honor and shame, to which my first response was dismay, but this is something I actually want to embrace.

As a college student, my relationship with other parents began to change. We would joke around a little bit more, but never in a crass or disrespectful way. As anti-authoritarian as I am, I still had a respectful distance with those in older generations (Asian or not) until some trust-building experience helped me cross that line into “peer”. (At first, I had a hard time bantering with Rick – I could only awkwardly try. Haha. Eventually, we reached full-speed ahead with bantering.) My own family is pretty interesting – whenever my brother and I come home for holidays, my dad will always ask what our opinions are on current events. Last Thanksgiving, he asked us what our opinions were on Obama’s health care plan. Ashamed, I slipped out of that conversation because I hadn’t done my reading. :P My brother and dad also spent a few hours last winter break discussing the current social & political economy, and trying to brainstorm solutions. I’m really proud of this aspect of my family!

*Note: I think that this changes between which Asian culture you’re raised in. For example, those who are culturally Taiwanese American are pretty vocal about their ethnic identity & political stances, and out of my peer group they tend to be more outspoken from being taught to know their opinions. I think this could become a whole other blog post… agree, disagree?

Pros and cons: As much as I used to disdain what I perceived to be “conservative” or constraining, I actually really value discipline and respectful children. (“Guai”) These values are a part of who I am and how I will probably raise my own children. If done well, and if the children themselves are conscientious (Lord, please help me here), I think they can turn out to be really thoughtful people who know how to listen to those around them first and then find solutions. I have trouble myself navigating how to honor my parents and family, but I hope to do this in the future. The cons are that children, if never empowered to think on their own, find their own voice or understand their own culture, can becomes shells of people who are always conforming (rah, I can’t stand this) or just don’t know who they are. Because the “whys” were rarely explained at home, they are susceptible to always just “do” without thinking. They may be crushed or “hidden” by shame-based culture and never be able to navigate other cultures well (by never speaking up).

Overall: As confused as I was growing up, I’m really thankful that I have the experience to live as a bicultural person, understanding and absorbing both Asian and American cultural values.

To be continued…

Why is this huge? I’ve been trying to understand the nature of debt (as well as the love of money) more and more. It truly is bondage, and I’m so glad to be free of any remaining debt… God has released me from this burden and I’m happy to be freed up to do other things with my finances. I had been wanting to support friends who were going abroad for translation work with Wycliffe, so I was more than happy to set up gifts for them after I got my school loans squared away.

I think this gift had come at the right time. My theology of God points me to understand that God is good, and that he takes care of his people, and he takes care of the people he’s called into his service… but for a while, I don’t think I truly lived like I believed that. This was an act of God to increase my faith.

Now that I’m free from loans and debt, I’m asking God… what does this provision mean? What are you preparing me for, or setting me up for? It could be something great, or it could have simply just been a good gift.

So now that this is out on the interwebs, please celebrate with me! God is good and he gives freedom.

For the past year and a half, I’ve been involved in a church called Christ Community, a (former) “non-traditional” Christian Missionary Alliance church plant/house church of about 20-30 people in Cleveland Heights. The Lord has been so good to me through this community of people, and it’s the deepest church community that I’ve been a part of for my entire life. I entered in during a really formative period of my life on staff (and my life period) and it would such a gift to me. Our pastor, Dave and his wife Jen (I love them) are moving back to Uganda to continue/restart their ministry there (Father’s Heart). They’re bringing a younger couple, Micah and Kara back with them. Everyone else is moving away internationally, or to other parts of the country. (Oh Cleveland.)

Reasons why I love Christ Community, in bullet point form:

• Dave has vision. His vision for christ community was for the church to be a missional, organic community in a neighborhood that is not open/receptive to church life & God.
• I love P. Dave, Jen and their family. God has given them a huge capacity to love people and tangibly show it to them. They were so generous with their time, and let us all in to their family life. It’s amazing to me… their capacity to love just seems to grow over time too. I miss them already.
• My own growth and discipleship. God used this community to help me go deep into addressing my own issues of lack of joy & peace, my deep anxiety & propensity to run away, as well as my ongoing struggle with going “all-in” with Christ (I still wrestle daily). I really felt that God solidified my identity somehow, that I was this unsure person coming in mid-2009, and a more stable and mature person coming out in late 2010. I also felt refreshed at church – I was called in to be sent back out each Sunday and Wed – it wasn’t some ingrown sappy support group but a community that went deep with Jesus to naturally and organically go out and proclaim freedom to the oppressed. It spurred me on into mission. (Plus, I love just waxing on and on w/ P Dave and Jen about ministry & mission. Yay! This is why I love missions pastors.)
• The church didn’t pursue structures just for the sake of doing it. Or for really fast church growth. Being a part of this ministry helped me understand more about what ministry is all about. We pursued relationships because we wanted to, instead of going to a church event where we weren’t truly engaging each other in relationship. He was also big on having church “leaders” who were all-in for Jesus, and didn’t want to compromise at all. On another note, Dave and Jen were really about the essentials of the faith rather than being divisive and closed. (Again, I love missions pastors because they really understand there are some more important things to do in the world than to be petty about non-essential doctrines!)
• I learned a lot about planting with P. Dave! How to gather people, how to pray missionally, how to vary services/meetings to allow for preaching, teaching, discussion, and missional prayer. (For IV people – the “wave model” but for church!) I’ve also learned that a “successful” church doesn’t need to be 800 people. Actually, the more I’ve reflected on it, our capacity for true human connection is a max of 200 people, so how does it even make sense that we have gigantic church communities of 800+ that draw people from all over the city, instead of having smaller local churches/plants that know how to address each specific neighborhood and group of people? Is this where we can be more like the church in China, esp with neighborhoods like Cleveland Heights? Discuss.
• The preaching & teaching was excellent. The style was expository, but there was also a lot of heartfelt and earnest exhortation to follow Jesus all-in. One of my initial impressions of P Dave was that Jesus’ call to “all-in” discipleship really spoke to him. I realized that it really speaks to me too. (He also taught a “Perspectives” course which is a pretty legit missions course.)
• Dave really understands cross-cultural ministry. As an Asian American in a midwestern town, I experienced a lot of subtle misunderstandings about culture. Not only did the Carrolls live overseas in Uganda for 10 years (which, for many people in ministry, may not even change anything about their posture towards culture), they really have the tools and biblical perspective to understand new cultures. This was really important for me because he knew how to hit the issues that non-white Americans struggle with & I welcomed him to Koinonia IV whenever possible.
• Plus, he has a birds-eye perspective about American culture and our functional gods (security, comfort, individualism, materialism, arrogance and complacency.) It’s true that we need to be waken up from our sleepiness!
• Ok, outside of the Carrolls & their leadership, I really learned how to pray honestly in community. Every Wed night, we gathered at Micah and Kara’s house for a simple meal and prayer. We shared vulnerably and PRAYED vulnerably! I actually learned how to use not just an ambiguous “us” and “we” but  to have ownership over my brokenness and needs: “Lord, I am…” and “Lord, I confess….” We also prayed for Cleveland and the people around us that we love and have yet to know Jesus.
• Really dear community with people who are very unlike me. Lots of midwest people who are for the most part, older than me  and in different stages of life (40s, 50s). There was an international feel (Brazilian, Portugese, Malaysian Chinese), and the Carrolls lead in a very American but also Ugandan way. There were a few inter-racial couples and a few single Asian American transplants :)
• Seeing couples parent their children like Stan and Renata, Dave and Jen… even Chris and Judy (who have kids in college.) It was great to see so many mature children who really had a solid sense of their identity and who they are. Yay!
• Getting to understand the Heights better. Dude… Cleveland Heights can be an amazing place to live (amazing homes) with sometimes very amazing neighborhood blocks. Cleveland/University Heights can also be very closed and suspicious to human interaction in general… it’s a lot harder than I thought it would be to get to know neighbors and be a part of the community. (Except for the local produce days at Peace Park…haha) The suburbs can be so anti-Gospel living sometimes!! (in terms of everyone building their own kingdoms and being unable to build significant relationships with anyone…) Cleveland Heights is also weird because there are a lot of people who are Christians but are unable or can’t find communities (or left communities) that just haven’t really reflected deep Christ-like community. There are so many people floating around… is the answer another church plant that can engage these wanderers/artists/young people/activists?

That’s it for now. I miss Christ Community. :( Sadness. It wasn’t perfect and we all have had our moments of really deep brokenness…but we weren’t afraid to go there.

For those of you who are interested in supporting their ministry or at least keeping up with P Dave’s blog, check it out here: http://carrollsuganda.com/

Also, I’m very happy that my friend Crystal gets to connect with them while SHE’S in Uganda for research! Hooray!

As for Church pt. 3.5… I’ve visited Scranton Rd and New Song.